2 Years of No Drinking

 I have questioned whether or not to share my anniversary this year for fear I would come across as too braggy, or pompous. But when I really sat down to reflect, I remembered how much came from sharing my story last year with anxiety, so I figured...what the hell, let's do this.

Last week, I celebrated 2 years of no drinking. And to tell you the truth, it was a much easier celebration than my first year. The first anniversary, I was still very scared. When I took the time to reflect last year, everything still felt too close. Like not enough time had passed since the darkness of anxiety consumed me. I was constantly scared I was going to "relapse" and not in the drinking sense, but in the sense of allowing the beast that is anxiety to take over again without any say from me.

But this year, things felt and looked much differently than the first anniversary. I felt excited this year, as if it was actually something to celebrate. With me, I don't necessarily feel as if I am celebrating the sobriety part as much as I am celebrating the "holy shit, I came a long way from two years ago of living with my mom, and not being able to sleep or be alone due to fear of panic attacks." Of course, the no drinking thing is quite the accomplishment, but what I am most proud of is how far I have come overall. 

Two years ago I decided to stop drinking because I realized that alcohol was just temporarily calming me down from anxiety, or covering up the fact that I was single and very much alone. I didn't have a problem with drinking, in fact, I was always known as someone who didn't drink that much, however I was trying to use alcohol as a quick fix for a big problem. Then when the buzz would wear off, I was back to square one. Still had anxiety. Still single. Still sad. 

Whenever I decided to take the leap and try anxiety medication, my psychiatrist told me that in order for the medication to work its best, I needed to stop drinking, and stop smoking, especially at the beginning when my body/mind was getting used to everything. Meanwhile, I was still very much struggling with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) symptoms, and one of the many ways to help heal your body naturally from this, is to eliminate drinking. Plus I HATED the feeling of being hung over. I mean I don't know one person who likes the feeling of being hung over, but I would bitch and moan the entire time I was hung over. And to top that off, I didn't like how I would waste my whole next day in bed sleeping everything off. 

Then, I met my fiance, Maxwell. My sobriety, and life guru. Talk about divine intervention here. Never did I ever think I would find someone so intellectual and insightful as him. His approach to sobriety is something like I have never seen before. He is disciplined, humble, and radiantly proud of his lifestyle change. I remember on our first date I was thankful he was sober since I newly was on medication and still kind of embarrassed to not be drinking. (Isn't it funny how alcohol is the only "drug" where you have to have an excuse NOT to do) Anyways, I was thankful he was sober as I wouldn't feel pressured to drink on our first date. His sobriety journey is a little different than mine, but I can't tell you how nice it is to have a teammate who is also on the no-drinking, no-drugs bandwagon. 

When I first stopped drinking, I was so nervous what people would think of me. Thankfully my friends and family were super supportive, especially seeing the transition I underwent from being an anxiety riddled recluse in bed to someone who smiles again, answers phone calls, and appears in social settings from time to time. But as I got more adventurous with who I hung out with, I found myself having to answer to other people outside of my friend group as to why I stopped drinking. 

Still to this day, I am sometimes unsure how to answer this question, simply because there are a handful of reasons. 

No, I am not drinking due to religion. 

No, I am not drinking simply because my fiance is sober. 

No, I don't judge others who drink. 

No, I don't mind when people drink in front of me. 

I stopped drinking because I have crazy anxiety. 

I stopped drinking because my health was declining due to PCOS.

 I stopped drinking because alcohol wasn't serving me anymore. 

I stopped drinking because I wanted to learn how to handle my anxiety head on rather than with a temporary fix. 

I stopped drinking because my fiance gave me the confidence to realize that I don't need alcohol to be or have fun. 

Yes, I still worry about not being "fun", but then I look back to the wedding I just attended last week, and my wicked dance moves, and I realize that no wet blanket would dance like that. (I don't know why, but when I get on the dance floor something takes over me. My friends call it DDS (dirty dancing syndrome) All I need to hear is Toxic by Britney Spears, or Pony by Ginuwine...GAME OVER PEOPLE)

Now I know this is a long post, but I think it's important to talk about mental health and connect with others who are struggling or who have struggled in the past. I also think it's important to talk about sobriety as there tends to be a lot of shame that come with both addiction and mental health.

 I remember my one friend, who is also a wonderful, smart and beautiful therapist (I'm talking about you Whitney), told me in the beginning of my anxiety journey, that it's crucial to "normalize anxiety". Hallelujah, and amen. If only we normalized anxiety, depression, or mental health maybe people wouldn't feel so alone or ashamed. I don't know about you, but hearing about Anthony Bourdain's death absolutely crushed me. Someone who "had it all" yet still struggled. Might I mention, he also struggled with addiction in the past.

So here it is, my reflection of my two years of no drinking. 

No, I don't have it all figured out. 

Yes, I still have anxiety. 

Yes, I still worry what others think about me. 

But when I sit down a realize how far I have come, all those fears and negative self-talk fall to the side. 

I have a life again. A life that's fuller than I ever could've imagined. 

I have grown, challenged myself, and healed along the way. 

Something I will forever be proud of.

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So, Maxwell mentioned it may be nice to write a little list of things, activities, or books that have helped me on days when I'm on the struggle bus. Because what's a blog post bragging about how good I feel, without sharing a few tips and tricks I have used along the way on days where I feel like shit?

Feel free to also check out this older post I wrote last year with info on self-help books, and meditation apps.

1. TALK TO SOMEONE - I know it's scary to admit you're not feeling "normal" - Whether that means you struggle with alcohol, addiction, anxiety or other mental health issues. But guess what, the more you keep it a secret the more you will struggle. I tried so hard to white knuckle my way through anxiety, and guess what..it didn't work. I felt totally out of control, and keeping it a secret made me feel even MORE out of control. First step to recovery, admitting something's up, talking to someone about it, and potentially asking for help.

Even if you have received help, and are just having an off day - talk to someone. Talking to someone takes the power out of your fears and helps the healing process. Call up your friend after work, talk to your partner, or even your Mom. If one doesn't answer, keep on trying. Talking to someone gets you out of your own head.

2. It's okay to ask for help - After months of seeing a therapist, there was a day where I was just so tired of fighting, I finally accepted the idea of asking for help. Help getting my life back. Help feeling happy again. Help gaining my independence. So guess what...I got some help and got on anxiety medication. But before that, I asked for help from my Mom and asked if I could move into her house so she could take care of me.

I still ask for help. Asking for help doesn't mean you're weak. In fact, it's the total opposite. To me asking for help is STRONG AF, and shows a sense of confidence. It means you're wanting to grow, and expand in a way, and you're unsure how to start on your own. So in some cases help may mean treatment, or therapy, or even asking for support from your friends. But just because you're asking for help, in no way is a sign of weakness. Your friends and family WANT to help you. Imagine if your best friend was going through what you are going through, and they asked for your help. What would you do?...If you're anything like me, you would do whatever you could in order to get your friend back to his/her best self.

3. Therapy - Man oh man, I can't ever say enough wonderful things about therapy. I freakin' love it, and seriously wish it was affordable for everyone to attend. It's my one time a week where I am forced to sit down, be present and take care of myself.

4. Journaling - Now if therapy isn't your cup of tea (which I truly think it's everyone's cup of tea they just need to find the right therapist) journaling is a great alternative. I love to journal about my fears, about my dreams, what I've accomplished in a day, what I'm grateful for, etc. Whenever I'm having a moment of panic, or feeling uncomfortable about something, I sit and journal. Something about getting out your thoughts on paper (or saying them out loud to a friend) takes the power away from them.

5. Be active! - I am a big fan of physical activity and the power it can do to heal your body and mind. That doesn't mean I am working out every single day, or even 1x a week, but guess what, it's a good tool to have in your tool belt for days you're in a funk. Even if it's just a 10 minute walk outside, do it! It'll help. And that vitamin D doesn't hurt either.


(picture pulled from Pinterest)

As for the no drinking part of this all - that's the easy part for me. Anxiety is the hard part, which is why my tips are focused on healing from that. However, the no drinking part wasn't easy at first. And I think the fact my doctor told me "DO NOT DRINK" made me follow those rules that much more.

 So my tips for if you are sober curious, and need a little assistance.

-Find fun drinks that don't have alcohol and stock your fridge. I have been on multiple bachelorette parties where I just bring my own Kombucha or LaCroix and I am good to go. Because let's be real, sometimes drinking water is boring.

-Substitute drinking alcohol at bars/restaurants with a nice club soda and lime. No one can tell the difference.

-Tell your friends about your sober journey. If they give you a hard time, it's most likely because they themselves aren't happy with their own drinking habits and now they don't have you to get kray kray with.

-Just because you're sober, doesn't mean you have to stay home and miss out on the fun. Instead of meeting your friends for drinks, meet them for coffee, or ice cream or for a nice evening/morning walk. Schedule time for an activity such as rock climbing, or swimming, instead of heading to a happy hour.

-Find your tribe - Having Maxwell as my partner in sobriety has made things a lot easier. I have had my ups and downs with worrying whether or not I was still fun, and in a sense grieving that old part of me that did party. But having a friend that is also on your same journey, or a similar one, makes it so much easier. Yes, there will be a time where you miss your old self, but guess what having a friend that has also gone through the same thing makes you feel understood and comfortable.

-Plus I have found that when I miss my old self, I am usually glorifying the past, and in complete denial. When I am wanting to drink/or smoke, I sit and think - why do I really want to drink? It's usually because I am so stressed out in that moment that I just want a quick fix to de-stress, relax and have no responsibilities. And that's what I used drinking and smoking for. A way to escape my current reality. Instead, refer back to some of my tips above and find another healthier way to relax.

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(picture found on Pinterest)

As always, this post is very raw and straight from the heart. Please be kind when reading, and commenting. As for anyone who is also on the struggle bus, or sober curious, send me a message! I would love to connect and learn more about you.

1 Year of No Drinking : Part 3

Wahoo! On to the last and final part of my story with anxiety and sobriety.

Hello, my name is Ceci, and I have anxiety.

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After my appointment with my therapist, my mom helped me book an appointment with a local Psychiatrist to talk about my recent experiences with panic attacks and anxiety.

Throughout this whole process I felt as if I was at fault for getting anxiety. I felt weak that I wasn't "strong" enough to beat anxiety and this darkness that was all-consuming.

Thankfully, my psychiatrist quickly understood how I operated and began explaining the science  and chemistry behind anxiety. Anxiety can literally be a chemical imbalance in your body where your brain may need a helping hand in getting it back to tip top shape. He also mentioned how anxiety is very much passed down through genetics, which in my case is very true.

I tried to do without daily medication even after my first appointment, as I just hadn't let go of that stigma that comes with medication. I truly felt as if weak people took medication, and I didn't need that. I thought I was better than that. Little did I know that was FAR from the truth.

Then one day I woke up and realized Xanax wasn't enough. I needed to be on a daily medication to get my life back. I was tired. Exhausted of sitting on the sidelines of my life, and I wanted to enjoy the little things again.

Now, I'm not saying medication is the end all be all. I'm simply saying it was my solution, and even that being said, it's not a 100% guarantee. I tried everything before getting on anti-anxiety medication. I tried meditating, exercise, natural supplements, single session therapy, group therapy, you name it I more than likely have tried it. At first I felt defeated when I started my medication. I still experienced panic attacks, and noticed I was developing a new series of temporary side effects due to the influx of serotonin being released in my body thanks to the medication.

        picture from Do You Travel instagram

I stayed in bed for about 2 weeks while my medication was trying to kick in. Napping, eating, watching TV, looking out the window, praying this all would be over and soon. Then one day I woke up from my medication coma, and I had a glimmer of hope.

I saw the light in things again, and I even felt motivated. Motivated to make a to-do list, work again, grocery shop. I even started calling my friends back, and eventually making plans to meet up to go grab food.

Throughout this process I remained sober, as my psychiatrist told me my medication didn't mix well with alcohol. So I did what he told me, and laid off the booze.

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About a month or so after I started taking my medication, I created a profile on Bumble and decided it was time to put myself back out in the dating world. Looking back on this, I have NO idea how I had the courage to do this as I seriously was just starting to feel comfortable leaving the house again on my own. I think there was some Divine Intervention with this process as I clearly was just beginning to take baby steps towards getting my life back again.

My first day on the dating app, I came across a familiar face. Someone who I knew from my Middle School and High School days. I knew him as Max, a freckled boy with pretty green eyes that was good at math. We had a few classes together back in the day, and a few mutual friends, however we never really knew each other too well.

After our first date, I knew I wanted to spend as much time with this man as humanly possible.
Of course, I was very much still adjusting to my medication and even handling the responsibilities of every day life again, but when I got together with Maxwell, everything shifted. I forgot about my anxiety. I forgot about feeling sick. I was able to have fun again. Not to mention, he too was (and still is) living a clean and sober lifestyle.

Without Maxwell, I wouldn't be where I am today in terms of healing and growth. He helped show me how to rebuild my life again in a way that I would be proud of, anxiety and all. And as much as I wanted to run away from my anxiety forever, there were definitely still glimpses of darkness in my beginning days of dating him. I struggled with random anxiety attacks, as everything was so new and foreign to me. As much as I wanted it to be gone forever, I would still bump into issues that eventually Maxwell saw. I was horrified that he would run away once seeing how I had some baggage that came along with dating me, but he stayed and loved me for exactly who I was and still am.

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Dating Maxwell has been nothing but a breath of fresh air. He has taught me a lot about recovery, rebuilding, and how to have fun in life the old fashioned way...SOBER. What's been most rewarding about this new clean lifestyle for me is the fact that I am facing everything head on and feeling what is going on with my body directly, rather than immediately reacting and numbing myself with alcohol.

Of course, I am in no way shape or form 100% free of anxiety, but I am proud of having one year of sobriety under my belt.

I have learned that being sober, and having anxiety, doesn't mean you have to live a boring life. I live an even more exciting and exhilarating life than I ever have. I still go out with friends to see shows, and dance the night away for bachelorette parties. I still actively participate in my social group, and attend happy hours with my friends. Yes, my role may have shifted from sad party girl, to sober girl, but guess what...I'm never hung over (yep, imagine that for a few seconds. It's wonderful) and I still manage to dance like a crazy person.

Not drinking has brought me clarity. It has brought me peace, it has brought me freedom and it has restored my light from within. Not to mention it has strengthened my relationship with myself, which is the relationship I value the most.

I am still learning what works for me in terms of tools on how to accept my anxiety rather than fight it. I have learned that my struggle and pain, has lead me to a life that I am proud of. A life that is worth fighting for, even if I do have a few more hiccups than I used to.

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"It's simple, really: things go wrong, people upset us, accidents happen. These things make us feel like shit. And that's fine. Negative emotions are a necessary component of emotional health. To deny that negativity is to perpetuate problems rather than solve them.

The trick with negative emotions is to 1) express them in a socially acceptable and healthy manner and 2) express them in a way that aligns with your values.

When we force ourselves to stay positive at all times, we deny the existence of our life's problems. And when we deny our problems, we rob ourselves of the chance to solve them and generate happiness. Problems add a sense of meaning and importance to our life."

-Mark Manson / The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck-

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As always, I want to thank the people near and dear to me during this time in my life.

           picture found on pinterest

To my sister, Hannah: I can't thank you enough for always watching TV with me during my bad days. No matter how many times I said "I don't feel good", you would lay with me and distract me from what was happening. Whether that be with silly snapchat filters, or wrestling and getting bit by a wild raccoon, you helped me immensely. Thank you for being you and always making me laugh.

To my Mom: Thank you for taking care of me when I couldn't take care of myself. Thank you for ALL the nights of sleeping in my bed, and scratching my head. Thank you for driving me around everywhere and constantly setting me up for success. I love you!

To my stepdad, Buster: Thank you for always being so kind and loving. I will always remember last Summer, and swimming at the dock with you and Mom at sunset.

To my dear friend, Emilie: Thank you for always checking in on me, and messaging my sister to see how I was feeling. You were one of the only people I trusted to take me out of the house on your weekly errands. Through thick and thin, you will always be my rock.

To my friends Lauryn, Melanie, Sammi, Erica & Jocelyn: Thank you for being so patient with me, and calling me endlessly until I finally answered. Thank you for still being my friends after all these years, and letting me be a part of all your bachelorette parties, weddings, and every day life.

To my dear boyfriend, Maxwell: Thank you for loving me at a time where I didn't even love myself. Thank you for continuing to love me and teach me every single day how strong I really am. I am so thankful we were brought back together again after all these years.

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I can only hope my story will inspire you, or someone close to you, to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Life can be hard, but guess what, it also can be amazing. All you have to do is find what works for you. Sometimes it may be a year long journey such as mine, or it might be just a few days. The whole point is to stop focusing on how others live their life, and find out what works for you. If that includes medication then by all means, get on that medication. If it includes yoga, then sign up for a yoga class. There is no right or wrong answer for how to do things. This is just simply my story.

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The next blog post will feature some of my favorite tools I have used throughout my journey of living a clean and natural lifestyle. I was also thinking of including a Q&A section, so if you have any questions please feel free to email me or comment below.